From the #MoronFiles | Cease and Desist from Attorney Captain Can’t Search Google

PRELUDE: 

Without getting into too much detail, let’s just say that I see all kinds of crazy stuff in my line of work. Some of the things that come across my desk make me frustrated with society and you probably know that I blog about Fighting Fair on the Internet because of the things that I see.  In addition, sometimes the things that I see that frustrate me include others that are part of my profession. Like any profession, there are certain shit bags (okay, maybe they aren’t all shitbags…just most of them) out there that give us lawyers a bad reputation and quite frankly, it pisses me off.

Some things that I see warrant a full blog article – so I write those.  Others just warrant a short mention because I find the conduct both outrageous AND funny.  I’ve decided to start a collection of true stories, with some identifying facts modified so I don’t have to deal with the psychos, and will be continually adding more of those to the #MORONFILES for your reading pleasure:

03/11/2019 – #MORONFILES ENTRY

There are times that I would LOVE to publish the word vomit letters that I read … but you know, people be “cray” and I doubt some of the attorneys/firms that write the garbage I see are necessarily exempt from that and I don’t have the time nor patience to deal with amplified absurdity that would surely come from me making fun of them. I’m not infallible…and I’m sure there are things that I have done that are boneheaded myself…but this stuff is SO BAD that I can’t not write about it.

Today’s dumpster fire of a letter was sent via snail mail, on letterhead from a “firm” that doesn’t contain a website nor email address listed for communications. Oh, but it has a fax listed! Who, besides the IRS, still uses fax machines these days? Even my grandma was using email when she was still with us. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this though. I’ve seen countless letterhead like this. If this is you and you are in the legal space (and likely in other professions as well) know that I have run polls on Twitter asking about this and you are absolutely being judged negatively, right or wrong, by your peers.

Okay, setting aside the archaic letterhead, it’s a run of the mill cease and desist letter that, like all the other ones I have ever seen, doesn’t have any merit to it. What is sad is that this attorney likely charged their client good, hard earned money, to write this piece of crap. (sad face emoji)

Letter content in a nutshell: blah blah state law is clear…recites basic elements of civil tort (without legal citation)…therefore a case for tort is clear. You have blah blah days to take the action we want or else we will start litigation.

So what’s wrong with this particular letter? Well, it’s good that the attorney can regurgitate the basic elements of the tort they are claiming happened, however, this is yet another bonehead that has failed to check in with their statute of limitation in blah blah state. For the civil tort in which they are raising, that statute of limitations was blown a while ago and therefore they won’t have a proper cause of action under the civil tort claim that they are trying to pretend would exist. If you’ve been keeping up with other articles, you know what I think about that. Oh, and for those of you that want to pipe in and chirp about tolling statute of limitations, yes, that is a thing – but not in the circumstances that I would have to deal with, so here…nope. Not applicable.

Beyond that, the ongoing word vomit written in this letter HEAVILY suggests that this attorney has not the first clue what the heck they are even talking about. I mean, the fact that I’m reading the letter in the first place suggests that they have done NO legal research on this topic, whatsoever. I’m guessing another dabbler (facepalm emoji) who wasn’t even smart enough to try a search on Google first. Look…I don’t know everything and I don’t even try to pretend that I know everything…and I’ve been in the field for 20 years. As such I don’t expect everyone to know everything either…but I sure as shit am not going to send out a letter, threatening litigation, without KNOWING that my threat was legally sound. That’s just fucking stupid and arguably unethical. Hence this story making the #MoronFiles.

Let’s just also say that blah blah state also has anti-SLAPP protections for victims of bullshit lawsuits like attorney Captain Can’t Search Google is trying to threaten. Should Captain Can’t Search Google file such a lawsuit, my client would be such a victim of a bullshit lawsuit and it’s incredibly likely that the attorney and client could be on the hook, statutorily, for attorneys fees and costs.

Sometimes I just want to respond with (but I won’t): What the hell is the matter with you? Did you eat paint chips for breakfast? Google is your friend, you ought to try it sometime. I guess I’m feisty today. Perhaps I need another cup of coffee…

Until next time friends!

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