Without getting into too much detail, let’s just say that I see all kinds of crazy stuff in my line of work. Some of the things that come across my desk make me frustrated with society and you probably know that I blog about Fighting Fair on the Internet because of the things that I see. In addition, sometimes the things that I see that frustrate me include others that are part of my profession. Like any profession, there are certain shit bags (okay, maybe they aren’t all shitbags…just most of them) out there that give us lawyers a bad reputation and quite frankly, it pisses me off.
Some things that I see warrant a full blog article – so I write those. Others just warrant a short mention because I find the conduct both outrageous AND funny. I’ve decided to start a collection of true stories, with some identifying facts modified so I don’t have to deal with the psychos, and will be continually adding more of those here for your reading pleasure:
07/05/2017 – A “Nominal Defendant” | Following a nice four day weekend it’s always fun to come back to the office to a freshly filed complaint against one of your clients. Said complaint was filed out of state (one in which does NOT have jurisdiction over my client for a host of reasons including Plaintiff having agreed to jurisdiction elsewhere), the “cause of action” (which isn’t really a cause of action in the first place – apparently Plaintiff’s counsel confuses causes of action with remedies) is without legal merit, and counsel called my client a “nominal defendant.” Let’s be real here; there is no “nominal defendant.” ALL defendants (in most cases anyway) will have to extend valuable resources and time to deal with even the most handicapped complaint by filing motions to dismiss for lack of jurisdiction or other defenses. You can’t paint a rainbow on birdshit and call it a rainbow…no, it’s still birdshit. You know, just so we are clear…
06/16/2017 – You Know You Are A Lazy Lawyer When | It’s been a busy few weeks to say the least. This one will be short and sweet. If you are going to spend the money to serve someone, you should probably spend some time actually trying to figure out the proper entity to name and statutory agent first. A way you start this is by trying to run a search in this really cool search engine called Google. And then you can also use these cool public websites where businesses are registered called the Corporation Commission for the particular state. That will not only give you proper entity spelling but also who the proper statutory agent for service is. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that sometimes that can be easier said that done for some entities…BUT…this particular one I have in mind is EASILY found online. What this tells me: lazy lawyer probably just billed his client for less than half ass work that will result in NOTHING because it’s not valid. #Ignored #FeelingSorryForTheirClient
06/13/2017 – F’n Litigators | No offense to any of the “normal” professional litigators out there because I work with some AMAZING ones…but what the hell is with the scorched earth approach right out of the box? You are not an ape. Stop pounding your chest. I understand getting a little frustrated after repeated inquiries (when there is merit to your position) however, when you come out of the box swinging, threatening meritless litigation (because you are too lazy to f’n do some legal research before running the diarrhea of the fingers on your keyboard) you are not setting yourself up for good things to come. This is especially true when you are asking for a favor – you know, asking someone to do something they are not legally obligated to do. You can bet that counsel like me will remember your shit attitude in the future, your name will be marked on the “shit list”, and you won’t be given any courtesies in the future. Your shitty attitude has just screwed any future clients who may be similarly situated. You want to be helpful to your clients? Check that ego at the door. Respect begets respect and people remember how you treat them.
05/31/2017 – You Signed Your Name on This? | So here is a new one for the books. A business client of mine is served with a third-party Subpoena Duces Tecum (fancy way of saying it’s asking for documents or things) today. Today is May 31st – and this is important and you will see why in a minute. Okay, standard procedure…except: 1) it’s an Amended Subpoena (never received the original subpoena); 2) allegedly issued from a state court that is in another state (so yeah, that’s not going to work – domestication pal); 3) asking for information to be provided back in the middle of April “to avoid having to make an appearance” (so, we get to time travel like Marty McFly?); 4) the said date of appearance was also scheduled for back in the middle of April (hmmm, must be banking on more of that time travel); 5) the date of said Amended Subpoena was dated back on the first of this month (so you know, the document production and/or appearance was supposed to occur BEFORE it was even signed AND the person apparently couldn’t get it served for over 30 days); 6) the Subpoena had no case number; and…oh, this is the best part… 7) WAIT FOR IT…WAIT FOR IT…when I looked up the case caption…there is no case pending with that case caption in that court! You have got to be kidding me!?! To top it off, right there at the bottom of this pile of crap is the name, bar number and signature of the attorney that paid to have it served upon my client. Well alrighty then Shady McShaderson…
- 06/08/2017 – UPDATE on “Shady McShaderson” | Just when you thought that things couldn’t get any more ridiculous than what was mentioned above…when “Shady McShaderson” got called out for above mentioned antics the response back was basically that the law of the state allows for attorneys to do a subpoena without a case number. Ummm, come again? I’m well aware of the pre-litigation discovery process in the particular state and this is NOT in line with the procedure, pal. I don’t care what color you paint your abuse of process turd…it’s still a stinky turd!
- 8/23/2017 – UPDATE on “Shady McShaderson” | Whoa! Shady McShaderson got a case going! So after sending a BS subpoena, for a case that doesn’t exist, Shady McShaderson and realized we’ve ignored it, the genius counsel finally filed a case! What did said genius counsel do? Provided us with a case number. That’s it? What a fricken moron. Come on…how much lazier and shadier can you get? Of course such action was called out and it was explained, again, what the PROPER procedure is… The response “no worries…” Where do they find these people? And how do they keep a bar license?
05/23/2017 – I Demand! | Perhaps not as good as the prior entry, however, this is still worth a note because it is one of my biggest pet peeves. If an individual or entity is NOT (emphasis on the NOT) legally obligated to take any action in connection with your situation one wonders what in the world counsel is thinking when they write a letter and use the phrase “I demand…” in bold and underlined, in the closing of their letter. You “demand!?!” What? Are you my mother asking me to do my chores or else I’m going to be grounded for the summer? Given the fact that your tone is complete shit, and my client has ZERO legal obligation to do anything, your “demand” is now being filed away and NOT responded to. #DENIED! Why? Because I’m not interested in dealing with an ass-hat and you have now given me NO incentive to even look at your materials. Moral to the story: Like my momma always says “you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.” I subscribe to that philosophy…plus I like to treat others as I would expect to be treated.
05/12/2017 – Disbarred Attorney | Today I reviewed a rather rude communication from an individual who wrote a meritless threatening letter (and I mean, the person couldn’t possibly have a viable claim based upon statute of limitations and other precedent law given the situation) making dumb statements and signed their name with “a Dallas lawyer” and a request that the communication be taken seriously. Sure thing there good buddy! Well, when I receive communications that I perceive to be on the “shittier side of Sears” (my spin on the old “softer side of Sears” advertising) I will look into the individual. Ah, low and behold said “Dallas lawyer,” was DISBARRED from the state of Texas over two years ago for some rather naughty stuff…as in the crime allegedly committed is a felony in the state. Right there, on the State Bar website, CLEAR AS DAY, it said this person was DISBARRED. The State law there says that you are not a lawyer in the state unless you are licence to practice there. So, no person, that makes you NOT a Texas attorney…and, in fact, your state can make holding yourself out as an attorney, when you aren’t, a felony. Get that? F-E-L-O-N-Y. Yeah, poor decision on your part. Asshat.
Until next time friends…